Archive for September, 2007

Amsterdam Bicycle

Amsterdam, Netherlands

Amsterdam. Netherlands


Cheesy Rice Loves You

Having a young child and trying not to screw them up is a daunting task. You have to make sure that they eat, drink, brush, poop, pee, wake up, go to sleep, get into college, and most importantly not say naughty words.

Of the entire lexicon of naughty words out there, you find yourself finding every conceivable way to make sure that if a word is heard by your child that is does not stick, imprint, linger, or otherwise become part of their vocabulary. There is nothing more embarrassing than a two year old dropping the F-Bomb, the S-Bomb, the B-Bomb, the C-Bomb, or the A-Bomb at an inopportune moment, which is any moment.

So, if you are like me you focus all of that swearing energy, normally distribute amongst all bad words, into one more benign word. For me this is “JESUS CHRIST”, my Achilles heal of explicatives. It is rooted from my childhood, passed down to me by my father, and maybe to him from his father, as our catch-all swear. Used in times of joy, panic, stress, anger, and sleepiness as the master descriptor. It is the swiss army knife of profanity, allowing you to express it in so many ways.

There is the “what the hell is this” version where you slow roll it – “jjjjjjeeeesus ccchrrrist” or the substituted variation – “jjjeeesus h. christ”

There is the “just got the crap scared out of me” version gasped out like a gun shot – “JESUS CHRIST!” and the “I can’t believe I have to go to work” version exhaled through clenched teeth from a groggy I just stayed out drinking until 4 a.m. brain – “shhejusss chrissst”.

We cannot forget the pièce de résistance, my favorite, the thunder booming “I shall smote thee with great vengeance” version – the straight up “JESUS CHRIST”.

Our three your old appears to be an expert with all of them. Sometimes you can hear her practicing. “JESUS CHRIST”. “Jeeeesus Christ”. “Sheejus Christ”. She has great enunciation and is able to provide the right JC for the right situation, for example dropping a toy or being asked to get out of the bath.

In trying to compensate for all the other bad words I ended up searing just one swear into her head, and to reverse the situation have been trying to change the words up, hoping that she will think that she is saying it wrong.

She says “jesus christ” and I respond with “cheesy rice?”, in which she giggles back “cheesy rice”. I am not sure if it is working or if she thinks she has me trained to play this word game with her. Time will tell.

“Duck it, what the shells can I do. Cheesy rice save me.”